Santa Claus: Festive Fella or Federal Felon?

The law and order special holiday unit has hunted down Santa for years. Although he maintains a jolly old elf narrative and has a grip on social media and news outlets, investigative reporting has uncovered that slippery Saint Nick has a dark side and stays one step ahead of the law.

You may know him as a giving person who works tirelessly to bring joy and happiness to every household once a year, but those who wear a uniform of blue consider him public enemy number one. So if you’re looking for ideas for Christmas holiday gift baskets, you might think twice before you leave the work to Santa. This post unearths the ugly truth about the federal crimes he perpetrates each holiday season.

Felonious Acts with Animals and Aircraft

Santa is no saint, and if you think he whips around the world out of the goodness of his heart, you need to think twice and really consider how he makes this gift-giving whirlwind really happen. Portrayed as a rosy-cheeked chum, he’s actually a renegade with his reindeer and takes the lives of others, as well as animals into his hands every Christmas Eve.

After you pack your Christmas holiday gift baskets and lie down only to dream of sugar plums, Santa is committing federal crimes in the dead of night, including:

• Violating the Reindeer Act: While it sounds just as fictional as flying reindeer, this law prohibits any non-Alaskan from owning a herd of reindeer. Although special agents haven’t been able to locate the exact whereabouts of Santa Claus, letters get written to him that are addressed to the North Pole in Alaska. Agents have tried to follow the mail carrier from the post office to the Claus hideout, but Santa and his location elude them every time. Nevertheless, because he uses reindeer, federal law officials suspect he owns a herd so he can handpick his crew each Christmas.
• Violating the Lacey Act: Concerned about protecting fish and wildlife as well as their native habitats, the Lacey Act is one of the oldest laws enacted to protect wildlife. However, Santa flagrantly commits violations of the Lacey Act each year when he flies his reindeer around the world and throughout the United States. By introducing non-native wildlife into a variety of habitats, he is spoiling ecosystems as well as the flora and fauna dependent on those systems on a yearly basis. He knowingly and willfully commits these crimes, making him a target for federal charges.
• Violating federal aviation laws: If you look for registered, licensed pilots, and federal agents have been combing records for years, you’ll never find one with the name Nicholas, Claus, or any other iteration of Santa Claus. So each year he pilots a flying aircraft without a proper license, he commits a federal offense that could put him in prison for three years—three years of no Christmas. In addition, his sleigh not only must be airworthy per Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) standards, but it also must comply with federal regulations regarding emissions and luggage compartments (where he stows all the gifts). Given that Santa keeps his sleigh and whereabouts secret, his flying craft can’t possibly be FAA approved.

Of course, his violations of federal law against animals and FAA regulations are only the beginning. If agents could bring him in, Santa would have a rap sheet of legendary proportions. After all, we haven’t even begun to list what he does to the population of the world.

Crimes Against Humanity

Although it may be clear he puts little thought into his treatment of animals and air travel safety, some are still willing to overlook these violations due to the endless supply of goodies he brings to each house every year. However, Santa is racking up even more felonies with his treatment of his fellow humans. Consider just a few of his crimes against the world population:

• Illegal surveillance: Although federal agents have suspected for years that Santa has some next-level technology, Santa flouts his disdain for constitutional law by putting his daily act of illegal surveillance to a song. As his biographical account is sung, “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good.” So unless you’ve signed documentation waiving your right to privacy, Santa has likely lodged technology in those gifts he delivers to surveil you without your knowledge. Big government isn’t big brother—Santa is.
• Child endangerment: Santa carelessly inflicts mental wounds on children by filling some stockings with coal. Since all kids know that coal in your stocking means you’ve been bad, Santa exploits this knowledge and impacts the self-esteem and self-worth of kids around the world.
• Racketeering: With his feudal elf system, Santa has established himself as a crime boss any crime organization would be jealous of. Obviously not paying his elves a living wage nor, considering their overtime, keeping them in safe working conditions, elves are coerced into supporting illegal activity and propping up a world-renowned crime boss. The worst part is that Santa does all of this for a profit paid in milk and cookies unless he’s found a black market in reindeer trafficking.
• Tax evasion: When anyone gives an expensive gift (according to U.S. statutory law, a gift worth over $14,000), the give must be a gift tax. Baseball bats and gloves as well as brand new bikes certainly don’t cost thousands of dollars, but new cars Santa delivers to driveways as well as expensive trips certainly meet the threshold. However, Santa evades the tax man as easily as he does federal agents. When the law catches up to him, he’ll serve a year in prison for each gift tax he evaded.

All of this law-breaking, especially at such a magical, giving time of year is heartbreaking, but when you consider that Santa is over 1,750 years old, you’ve got to admit that he’s quite a smooth operator. You’d be hard-pressed to find any organized crime boss or white-collar criminal who has gotten away with that many felonies for that many years without even being close to getting caught.

In fact, it’s kind of funny to think that federal agents chase his trail each year and still can’t pin the old elf down. Besides, perhaps the ends justify the means. After all, he is doing all of this for the good of the world, to spread peace and joy. If so, that would make Santa a Righteous Felon.

Considering Santa is simply a Righteous Felon, breaking a few laws to bring people together, you keep this in mind when putting together your next Christmas holiday gift basket. Remember to include the beef jerky snacks that Santa loves to snack on, the meat snacks created by Righteous Felon Craft Jerky.