Habanero Escobar: “Welcome everyone to the 10th Annual ‘Jerkies.’ This is that star-studded night, when all our beef jerkies really come out to shine and pay tribute to our great dehydrated meat snack industry that has existed since the Aztecs. Ms. Monroe, you’re looking fabulous tonight. A tender piece of high-protein meat, snug in your sequined evening gown. Take the spotlight off her, Johnny! She’s already blindingly beautiful as is!”
Maryland Monroe: “Oh Escobar, you ol’ devil, you. You really do know how to make a Chesapeake crab spice jerky blush. The jerkies have traveled from far and wide to be here tonight to collect their prizes. Each winning contestant will walk away with a freshness-guaranteeing silica packet, solid bronze and plated in 24-karat gold. A salute to the winner’s steadfast contribution to the radically shifting and revolutionary art of eating 100% all-American Black Angus Beef out of a paper bag. Let’s go to the awards!
For . . . “Outstanding Performance by a Jerky in a KETO Role”
The award goes to . . . DARTH GARLIC BILTONG
Monroe: “Despite receiving jeers from his main competitors in this category, Nelson ManDilla and Ancho Villa, Darth is mounting the stage and taking his trophy! He’s now putting the entire audience’s souls into a skull-shaped locket that he claims he will wear around his neck until the known universe is consumed in hellfire. What a wild evening we have here tonight, folks!”
The next award is for . . . “Best Jerkies in a Carnivore Diet Ensemble”
And the award goes to . . . THE RIGHTEOUS FELON WHOLE SHEBANG
Escobar: “Ah yes. An award we give to ourselves every year. Everyone in contention shares this honor, because it renews our Snack Actors Guild status, and gives us an annual kickback from the Flavor Enforcement Agency. What a night, what a night.
The next prize is for . . . “Award For Excellence in the Art of Non-Beef Jerky”
And the award goes to . . . FOWL CAPONE
Monroe: “Isn’t it a sight to behold? Capone’s got a dog in this fight every year and remains victorious as he’s gone unopposed since as long as I can remember. Is he— I can’t believe it! Fowl’s flying to retrieve his trophy, he’s an airborne turkey jerk indeed. In an act of solidarity with their crooked compatriot, the audience is throwing shoots of basil onto the stage to honor his dynamic flavor profile. Escobar, are you— You sensitive old coot, you’re crying!
Next up . . . “Accolade Attributed to Stand-Out Dog Jerky”
And the award goes to . . . WILD NATURE DOG JERKY
Escobar: “For the record I wasn’t crying. I just got a little speck of serrano in my eye. Now where are the representatives of Wild Nature to collect their prize? Wait a minute. I’m getting a report that during the red carpet they were devoured by a gang of unruly canines. Well I’ll be a bag of Jerky Chew’s uncle! Guess they did their job and really earned their trophy!
Now it’s onto tonight’s big-ticket awards . . . “Most Likely to Not-Break-The-Bank Jerky”
And the award goes to . . . A RIGHTEOUS FELON MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION
Monroe: “Mr. Subscription approaches the microphone from stage left. He’s clearing his throat to give a big speech. There’s a lot to say. After all, at 10% off and with free-shipping, a Righteous Felon subscription is far and away the cheapest jerky money can buy. But wait. It’s no speech, folks! Mr. Subscription is singing “Amazing Grace” to a captivated audience, here at the Rio Grande Craft Center & Auditorium, somewhere southwest of Habanero Escobar’s secret jerky-smuggling compound. A deluge of applause is echoing through the arena! If I had my druthers, this guy would be a shoe-in for next year’s “Lifetime Achievement In Jerky” award.
Just a couple awards left. Next up . . . “Most Successful Jerky in being Adapted to a Backpacking Scenario”
And the award goes to . . . RIGHTEOUS FELON MEAT STICKS
Escobar: “Now this award holds a special place in my heart, Maryland, because like President Roosevelt before me, no one likes a romp through the wilderness more than I. I’ve shared a sleeping bag with all three meat sticks, and what can I say that hasn’t been said before? They’re crisp and have a great snap. They’re a reliable snack during a sugar-detox, and a great on-the-go meat treat. Get them in bulk jerky while you can. After bagging an award with this prestige it might be tough to find one of these volumetric buddies on the shelf!
Now comes our final award and highest honor of the evening . . . “Finest Jerky For Vegetarians”
And the award goes to . . . ANCHO VILLA
Monore: “For those of you who have made the 10th edition of the Jerkies your first, you may be a bit miffed by the description of this award. This is not an award for a meatless jerky, but rather a meat jerky so delicious, it deserves a medal for reinitiating vegetarians into the wonderful world of carnivorism. Goodbye garden plate, hello carnivore diet! It’s an amazing feat Ancho has accomplished here today, and a huge upset as O.G. Hickory has held this title nine years straight. Considering the question of biltong vs. jerky, it would seem a sea change is upon us. Out with the incumbent, in with the new! But what can you say? South African biltong is all the rage these days, as it is pale-friendly, zero-sugar, and keto! Back to you, Escobar. The night has wrapped. Any last words?”
Escobar: “All I have left to say is . . . what a night. What a special night. And that’s the 10th Annual Jerky Awards! Signing off from the Rio Grande Craft Center & Auditorium—goodnight!