Howdy, Suspects! With the inaugural day of Hunting Season 2021 dropping this weekend in many parts of the Red, White, & Blue, we wanted to offer you an easy, how-to guide in commissioning the ultimate "hunting party." Extremely skeptical that this list of helpful steps will offer any actual or useful insight into the art of tracking, trailing, and taking down your prey, you say? So are we, friends, so are we.
HOW TO THROW A HUNTING PARTY IN 9 STEPS:
- PACK THE ESSENTIALS
You’re going to want a nice warm jacket, your tech bow, and the entire Righteous Felon line-up. Beyond that, I can’t think of anything you might need. Except maybe more jerky. You’re going to get the big elk specimen you’ve always wanted today, kid! Excited? You should be. Grab your cronies and hop in the car, buster—let’s get this hunting party started!
- DON’T BE DETERRED
Sure the odds might be stacked against you. Getting to the mountains isn’t a cinch to begin with, and you’re competing with thousands of other leaf-peepers, crazed with the insatiable desire to see that sweet, sweet Fall foliage! Not only that, you’re up against what many consider to be the worst stretch of highway in North America, and a dude who held up about 100 cars by stopping in the middle of the road to get his Go-Pro out of his trunk. Don’t give up—crack open a bag of Bourbon Franklin, and let its silky, maple goodness with a bite of bourbon flavor cool your jets. You’re going to make it!
- KEEP A LOW PROFILE
While disguised as a scenic adventure into the woods to bag some elk, let’s be honest. What this really is, is a chance for the police to mellow on the idea of ever solving The Case of the Stolen Mummy, the open theft-case from the Museum of Nature & Science. You’re the #1 suspect of course. Why would anybody go to full-on Ocean’s 11sto steal a worthless bag of bones, one might ask? Why would these lengths and drastic measures be taken for a dusty souvenir from the age of Ancient Egypt? Well, Halloween is on the way, and you’re really going for it this year. Maybe it’s too risky, and you’ll return to your original plan of dressing up as your favorite Felon: Habanero Escobar. At any rate, you won’t get apprehended all the way out here!
- TRY SOME TARGET PRACTICE
Alright, you made it to the designated hunting area! Set up a couple empty bags of Righteous Felon Jerky on that picnic table to test your marksmanship skills. You’re pretty rusty considering it’s been a whole year since your last hunting outing. You’re also a little rusty because … you’ve never fired a bow before. Woah, woah—you pull the stringy-thing that way! Now grab the arrows! No arrows, huh? Well this is just great. Who left the arrows?! Thompson, did you leave the arrows, again? What’s that you say? There’s RF Jerky Sticks in the arrow bag? Let’s tear into a few of those while we think of a plan.
- YOU CAN STILL FELL AN ELK WITH YOUR BARE HANDS
Well it turns out RF Jerky sticks don’t double as arrows. This hunting party is off to an unsure start. But hey—there was a time before bows and arrows existed and folks were hunting beasts of the forested wild then, weren’t they? Perhaps with enough speed and tenacity, we can take down an elk using sheer force of will. But before we try that, we’re gonna need some old-fashioned, primal, paleo, KETO-protein in the tank. A super food that can do that job is none other than our Cape Town Connection crime-lord: Ancho Villa! Pop a piece, everyone. Did you mention to our very patient audience that biltong is a South African spin on jerky akin to prosciutto? Truth!
- KNOW WHERE YOU ARE
Well, it turns out this peaceful glen nestled in the arms of two sloping tectonic ridges isn’ta designated elk hunting area. In fact, this isn’t even a hunting area of any kind whatsoever! You should have Thompson grab the compass and navigate a course out of here! Thompson forgot the compass too? For crying out loud. Luckily you know how to make a natural compass with a dirt hole, a fallen leaf, a handful of river water, and a shred of Righteous Felon Fowl Capone. This turkey jerky will point us in the Righteous direction. You say that way’s north? Onward Ho!
- ACCEPT THE SITUATION
Sure, while you may be out of luck in the man vs. wild department, you still have a very pleasant walk ahead of you. Nothing is more spectacular than seeing the cyclical nature of … nature … transpire before your very eyes. Especially with a piece of RF Baby Blues BBQ in your mouth, and a few bits of Wild Nature to distract the adventurous canines that pad along the trail. Sure hope they don’t pick up on your scent, you wanted mummy thief! He-he. What a day. The interplay of refreshing flavor and tree color is one worth savoring with the whole RF rogue’s gallery tickling your flavor palate. When it comes to Righteous, the bite is most definitely worth the chew. Moreover, what’s better than taking in Autumn with an array of your finest friends? They’ve always been at your side, haven’t they? Wait a sec. Where’s Thompson?
- STICK TOGETHER
A fellow Felon never leaves a gangster-in-training behind. You’ve got to go back for him! But what do you mean, “call the Parks Department for a lookout chopper?” Dang-it, kid! The Parks Department is thick as thieves with the fuzz. You call them, you’re bound to do 5 to 10 for stealin’ that sarcophagus squatter! Come on bub, use your head. What? Has the light-bulb in that brain-bucket of yours blown its fuse? You call Parks Department = you go to sing-sing, are you listening loud and clear? Flip your common-sense switch back into the “on” position.
- PAY YOUR DEBT TO SOCIETY
You really stepped in it now. As I stand here with your entire stash of RF Jerky in my mitts, I watch the red and blue lights of the police car tear off into the night with you in the backseat. You shouldn’t have called Parks and Rec., but you did it to save Thompson. I warned ya. You never shoulda boosted that pharaoh, kid! But you did. You made your choice. The only thing left to do, frankly is to hitch a ride with Thompson to the closest brewery. Dead Horse Brewery, they say it’s called. Infamous place. Legend has it RF O.G. Hickory pairs super well with their zero-g, barley wine barreled, triple-hopped, pickle juice-infused pale ale on nitro. Legend has it O.G. Hickory pairs well with just about everything. While we may not have slain the animal we always dreamed to slay, we’ve got plenty of protein here, safe inside our two-ounce baggies of Righteous Felon Craft Jerky. Bottoms up to ya, kid. The day you get out on parole, mine will be the first familiar face you clock in the parking lot.