Enjoy this blog that investigates whether Santa is or isn't a Righteous Felon, interspersed with photo highlights from our annual RF Christmas Party!
We all love him. Father Christmas, Chris Kringle, Saint Nick, Santa, Papa Noel, S. Claus. There are not many people in our lives who bring us free stuff after we ask for it while sitting on their lap. But this guy, he delivers. However, there’s a fair number of illicit and shady behaviors that can be traced back to Santa, which begs the question: Is Mr. Claus actually a Righteous Felon?
Breaking and Entering: Exhibit A! While most of us bristle at the idea of a person we’ve never met entering our home without warning in the dead of night, Santa does so with impunity. He may check his list twice, but he doesn’t think twiceeabout wiggling his plump little keister down your chimney while you lay unconscious in the other room. Moreover, he makes trespasses such as these millions of times in a single night. The gall! The audacity! Santa Claus is robbin' your town.
Theft: While you’re far off in dreamland, not only does Santa break in - he also robs you blind! Year after year your milk and cookie supply has been getting boosted by St. Nick. You would think for a guy that goes on an all-night cookie binge he’d get a heck of a tummy ache. Nope. Santa’s appetite knows no limits. House by house, the bright-red devourer with a wrought iron gut sucks down gallon after gallon of milk, until the entire globe is engulfed in a nation-spanning dairy shortage. We hope you’re real happy with yourself, Nicky boy. This year, reinforce the locks on your pantry, especially your Righteous Felon Jerky cabinet!
Invasion of Privacy: Remember: “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake?” Aren’t there privacy laws that can protect us from the all-seeing eye of this guy? If these allegations are in fact true, we should change the phrase from “Peepin” Tom’ to “Peepin’ Claus!”
Smuggling Across International Lines: Chris Kringle makes a complete mockery of customs and immigration departments the world over. No passport, no ID, all he has in his pockets are candy-canes and lint. Don’t get me started on the smuggling he’s doing in that sack. You think the IRS can find and fine Santa and charge him for peddling all those gifts and toys? They sure wish they could. Those babies are off the books. The guy has been dodging Uncle Sam since the 16th century - that’s 400 years of back-taxes! Not to mention the kickbacks that Coca-Cola has been giving him for decades. Turning a blind-eye to his shady business practices, in order to fill their own corn-syrup smeared bank books. It’s candy-coated corruption at the highest level!
Workplace Violations: The guy employs an entire workforce of unpaid elves. That’s right! We’ve all seen the propagandistic pictures before. A bright and shiny assembly line with a warm, glowing fire. Mrs. Clause knitting peacefully in her faithful rocking chair. Gingerbread crumbs dotting the mouths of Santa’s adorable little employees. Sounds very merry, doesn’t it? WRONG. Santa’s HQ in The North Pole is a dark factory with horrendous working conditions, brutal 24-hour shifts, and Frosty as the floor foreman, sticking his carrot nose into everyone’s sides. “No layabouts allowed!” he bellows under his oily, stovetop hat at the scared, sweating elves. No OSHA admins are permitted to go in or even check the place because it’s hidden in the Arctic tundra. I mean … think about it. Have you ever even seen The North Pole on a map? I know I sure haven’t.
Mistreatment of Wild Animals: At the risk of stating the obvious, there’s got to be a law against having that many reindeer. How can one guy, totally occupied with spearheading the preparations for winter’s biggest night take the time to ensure the welfare of his livestock? Short answer, he doesn’t! The well-being of these animals is entirely in question. Let’s not mince words, it’s obvious Kringle gives preferential treatment to Rudolph, ever since the foggy night that Rudy’s lantern of a schnoz guided the gang on their delivery route. Unquestionably, the piloting of those deer on an international flight path without permission from air-traffic control violates aviation law.
Murder: If Grandma got run over by a reindeer, who do you think was at the reigns of the hit ’n’ run?
After this hard-hitting tell-all revealing the true nature of Ol’ Saint Nick, will you ever be able to accept a Christmas gift (AKA a silence-buying bribe) again? Probably, yes. However, it makes one wonder. Does spreading so much joy to the world and brotherly merriment make up for Santa’s unchecked, heinous behavior? Also probably, yes. But still. Next time you spoon a big glob of gingerbread pudding into your mouth, or a slice of yuletide RF O.G. Hickory, consider the above and remember this: SANTA IS A RIGHTEOUS FELON.