Jerky gifts for men and women galore for the impending festivities of February 14th. Everyone's most loved (and reviled) holiday is cruising in with the trajectory of Cupid's love-potion-tipped arrow. Use our V-Day Gift Guide below to ensure the right present for your Righteous one-and-only! 15% off the site for Rewards members - 10% off site-wide for Valentine's Day!
The Long Haul
Til death do you part? If you and your mate are strapped together until the the end of time in a hot ’n’ heavy marital situation, I’d recommend signing up for a Righteous Subscription. You can customize what bags are in your box and how often it arrives with the same ease of getting down on bended knee, and asking your lovely fiancé if she or he paid this month’s electric bill. On your 50 Year Anniversary you’ll look back on all those RF subscription boxes you received as some of the fondest moments of your life together, right up there with your trip to Rome, the having of your first child, and the kicking of that first child (now 27) out of your basement.
Just Another Monogamous Relationship
Hey, we’ve all been there. You can practically finish each others sentences, and yet . . . you don’t want to. When big game hunting, the unabridged Kama Sutra, and investing your life-savings in NFTs and crypto have failed to revitalize your relationship, have no fear, Righteous Felon is here! Go keto together or abscond into the mountains for a trek with RF’s signature jerky bundles. Spice things up with premium snacking and the heart-thumping pastime of breaking the law with highly illicit, criminally-crafted jerky!
See: "Just Another Monogamous Relationship" above and add an additional RF Jerky Bundle. Note: ‘Thrupple’ classification does not apply if the third-party in your arrangement is Netflix.
Kid’s Classroom Valentine Exchange
Who wants to send their Jr. Juvenile to school with tooth-breaking candy anyway? Why not a protein-packed and energy boosting superfood instead? Send your little buddy to school with Righteous Felon One Ounces to slide into his pal’s paper-bag mailboxes. Inspiring your children to become jerky-toting Mini-Misdemeanors has and always will be our number one priority as safety and responsibility are our highest values. And when they’re finally ready to take off the training wheels, go out into the big, bold world, and commit crimes without Ma or Pa holding their hand, you can thank us with a five-star review on Google. Hey - they say raising a child takes a cell-block.
We Just Met
Now don’t scare her/him off! We find the appropriately suggestive gift that you can offer your newfound Valentine is the Biltong six-pack. ‘Tong is the fastest-growing buzzword in snacks, and being on the ground floor of this craze shows her/him you’re cool, trendy, ahead of the curve, and have outsized knowledge of the dried meat category of consumer packaged goods. All sexy qualities!
Don’t want to let the cat out of the bag? If you’re looking to surprise your latest infatuation with a bouquet of beef jerky - without revealing your identity - we’ve got gift-giving confidentiality just for you. Simply hit us with the address and ding-dong! your gift ends up at your beloved’s doorstep, while you remain anonymous! We recommend RF Spicy and Savory bundles for this under-the-radar job. And don’t forget to purchase a matching commemorative bundle for yourself to add to your secret, candlelit obsession shrine. Now kiss the cracked glass of the framed photo of the unwitting jerky recipient and hand RF the reigns - we’ll take it from here!
Shhh. “What side piece don’t know don’t hurt side piece.” How do you tell your extra curricular activity you still want to hook up with it while maintaining a healthy amount of complete and non-negotiable discretion? Why, A Righteous Felon Jerky & Biltong Gift Bundle of course! You get the bundle sent to you and rate the importance of the incognito love-affair on a scale from 1-12. Wherever it lands, you send him/her that number of bags, and keep the rest for yourself. It’s that easy! Best of luck. Set phone to silent, disable all notifications.
Not seeing anybody? No worries, Valentine’s Day is total capitalist bull$&@! invented by card companies anyway. For you, we recommend purchasing a Noah’s Ark. Two of each RF flavor. One for you and one for the good-for-nothing piece of garbage you’re way better off without. Pair with a half dozen martinis and How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Happy V-Day!
Get your gifts NOW: 15% off the site for Rewards members - 10% off site-wide for Valentine's Day! Was this helpful and silly, illicit and irreverent, culinary and criminal? If you enjoyed this, check out our other gift-giving guides at our Meat Blog.